mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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