I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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