my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
