If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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