She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
