Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
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Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
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There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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