There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
