Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
