Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
