no, he came in my armpit
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
