Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
