My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
