I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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