remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
