You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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