Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
