Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
