My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
