I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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