If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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