I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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