Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
