Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
