Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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