I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
In America we eat man semen.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
