Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
