Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
