omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
