my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
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Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
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I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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