she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
