what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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