She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
