i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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