I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
