I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
