good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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