How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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