I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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