So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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