Can i not drive my cunt home
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
