my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
