yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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