Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
