don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Drunk walkin through police station. America
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
