is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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