i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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