my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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