There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
