You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
