In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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