the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
