i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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