We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
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